Harry Redknapp’s return to Portsmouth from Southampton concluded the craziest football soap opera of recent years. Could it have happened like this?
It’s late November, 2005….
Milan Mandaric & Harry Redknapp enjoy a private dinner together
Milan – I need you back Harry, we’re in a right mess, up to our necks. I’ll give you a good wage, and they’ll even be money for signings in January
Harry – Excellent. I’m going to need to do some serious wheeling and dealing if we’re going to turn this around.
Milan – Easy harry, it can’t be like it was before. £3m to agents, loads of over thirties, that’s no way to run a football club.
Harry – Woah! Woah! Do you want me to do this job or not? We’re going to need better players than the ones YOU bought. I’ve got to have money to spend or you can forget it.
Milan – Harry, I blew all our budget on signing all that rubbish for Alain. To spend more now, in our precarious position would be lunacy!
Harry – (long pause) What if I said I could get you all that money back? Even some more money? Could we go january shopping then?
Milan – In theory I guess; but how you going to do that. (smiles) Are you a magician?
Harry – How about this. You interview Warnock, Sanchez and some other cleft for the job. I’ll be 33s or something. I’ll come out in the press saying you’re in crisis, I’d get killed if I thought about going back; that sort of thing. If you actually get someone weighing up the job, I could even go out as far as 50-1. That’s when we’ll strike. I can get half of Bournemouth down Ladbrokes in half an hour. I’ll walk out on Rupert and sign up. We’ll send Vukic out in the Transit to pick up the winnings. No-one will recognise him.
Milan – Easy on Zvonimir, I’m relying on you getting him playing! He’s your new Berkovic.
Milan & Harry – hahahahahahahaha!
Milan – (under breath) I hate Rupert Lowe.
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In a quiet and exclusive resteraunt, somewhere in Portsmouth…..
Milan – Good to have you back Harry; blimey I’m starving. Where the hell are our starters? It can’t take half an hour to heat up some soup can it?
Harry – 1-6 on it’ll come out in five minutes. 7-1 says it’ll be cold.
Milan – Give it a rest Harry, after this week I’ve had enough of bookies for a while.
Harry – hahahaha! Well at least we can go shopping in January now and I can get rid of some of that utter cal you’ve bought in over the last year.
(Soup arrives)….
Milan – Yeah, yeah give me a break. Chalky, Skoppy – if we’d had more time I’d have got you to take them down the road first.
Harry – Well well, look who’s just walked in! It’s Rupert and Clive.
Milan – I’m gonna smash Lowe’s face in
Harry – No no no! Enjoy this. (calls them over)
Scowling Wupert and befuddled Clive wonder over.
Harry’s main course comes out – Cesar Salad.
Milan – Didn’t expect to see you here Wupert? The duck good or something?
Wupert – Very funny ‘Mandrake’, If you want any of my players in future you can swivel.
Milan – On pleeeaase let me sign Fuller back. Pleeaaase!!
Harry – hahahahahaha!
Milan – Id loooove to pay you £2.5m to get Quashie back.
Harry – (choking on salad now – tears rolling down face) Stop it Milan. Please stop it! hahahahahah
Milan – You wooing your new manager as well Rupert? How you doing Clive.
Clive – I’m Clive Woodward. I’ve always liked football.
(brief silence)
Harry – Well I guess opposites attract.
Milan – (smirking broadly) What are you to here to discuss anyway; hockey or Rugby – or being in the Sunday Times Top 100 Shrinking Companies?
Harry – hahahahaha! (to Milan) They’re fighting it out with Betfair for top spot!
Milan and Harry – hahahahahahaha!
Rupert – (under breath) Everything’s going to be all right. Everythings going to be alright….
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It’s Saturday 17th December 2005, 8pm, The Redknapp household
Harry – (bursting through front door) Yeeesss! We won Sandra, we won. We’re back in the fight, it was good to be back!
Sandra – I’m so happy for you. Now I’m out on the lash, and YOU need to do some food shopping. Have you looked in the fridge and larder? Christmas doesn’t just happen you know.
Harry – (ruefully grinning) Sorry darling, lets have a look now eh, can’t be that bad I’m sure!
Harry enters the kitchen to examine the contents of fridge and larder
Harry – Jesus Sandra, I haven’t got a magic wand you know. We’re completely bare, down to the bare bones.
Sandra – Hence the need for you to do some wheeling and dealing down the 24 hour Asda. I want us fully stocked by the time I get back later. (shuts door on way out)
Harry – (hollering) No worries darling, have a good night. (muttering under breath) What’s this? I’ve got two packets of mince pies but not one tub of clotted cream. This is ridiculous, we’ve got no balance, no balance at all…..
Phone Rings
Harry – (picks up) Hello?
Milan – (putting on incredibly dull voice, sounding mildly drunk) Hello Harry, It’s Bryan Robson here. Well done today, back to the drawing board for me, my boys have got to work harder on the training pitch….
Harry – Hahahahahahaha! You never cease to crack me up Milan. You happier this evening then? What can I do for you?
Milan – Haha! Put a hit out on Rupert Lowe!
Harry – (smirking) Peace and good will to all men remember. Even Rupert…
Milan – I was only joking – I’ve had a couple already. No, I was just wondering if I can pop round, share a nice bottle of wine with you. Just like the good old days.
Harry – So long as it’s decent plonk; no cheap eastern European crap eh? (smirking)
Milan – Touche Harry, touché. I’m glad you said yes as I’m already outside. I’ve just urinated on your driveway as it happens. Now open the door.
Harry – (opens door) Come in Milan…
